Today I feel like, Ellen Pompeo as her character Meredith Grey.

I don’t feel well.  I haven’t really felt well for about a year.  Which makes me wonder, is this what growing older feels like?  If so, why didn’t anyone warn me?  I really don’t feel well today.  My stomach feels unpleasant and its kept me awake for two nights in a row.  I’m also having other pains which make me think I need to go back to the doctor but I’m too annoyed with doctors to do so.  This is just my badly tied in introduction…

Compassion yes.  That’s what the title said.  Okay, so I should say that I like Grey’s Anatomy and not just because its about sexy doctors who sleep around.  In fact that’s the part that I don’t like all that much about it.  I like it for the same reason I like books like His Dark Materials trilogy.  Because growing up I felt like good was good and bad was bad, as I’m sure many comfortably do, considering it makes things much easier to handle.  

Life is complex. People are complex.  Politics are so difficult because people seriously believe different things, and not all of them understand that there are other beliefs that matter.  My boyfriend believes that animals are the most precious things in the world and that anyone who cannot see that is a bad person.  I see that while he believes that and might say that I have a heart of stone (he doesn’t mean it because he sees how much I care for his cat), he also believes in war and the death penalty, i think.  While he has compassion for animals, i have compassion for people.  I mentioned Grey’s Anatomy because the latest two episodes touch on this, as Meredith befriends and tries to really save a serial killer.  In specific a serial killer who preyed upon compassionate women.  And she does it knowingly, all the while knowing she would have been a target before he got caught, and knowing who he is. 

That’s how I feel, and not everyone understands it.  I feel sorry for everyone who ever committed a crime.  I feel sorry for victims and for the causes.  I find it very hard to hate human beings. In fact I can’t hate anyone, at least not anyone I’ve come across.  

But I think the main difference between me and Josh, or me and my parents, is not our compassion but that I understand how they can feel differently.  Or I can accept it.  And they believe they are right.  That’s it.  They believe they are right, and I believe we both are.  Is this crazy?  

The writers of Grey’s Anatomy understand and that’s why I watch the show.  And I know that sounds crazy as well.  But I believe it.

Today I feel like: Dade, the cat.  

I’m off work and I decided that I was going to accomplish NOTHING today.  except maybe a little reading and movie watching and package accepting.  and sleeping.  Which makes me like this lovable cat who i am almost always jealous of (he really has the life).  

Dade and I have done an awful lot of cuddling today.  Also a lot of lazing around.  

Tomorrow I’m moving to Williamsburg.  How trendy of me.

So this post is a little bit late.  Most of my posts are.  I’m glad 2008 is over.  Not that I tend to believe a New Year will change anything.  This isn’t a statement about hope or anything, but personally, I tend to stay away from resolutions.  I think of them as presents.  I’m the type of person who likes to give presents when I feel like giving them, as opposed to waiting for a birthday or christmas.  That being said, with the New Year, I have more time and am trying to get back to the gym.  Coincidental I tell you. 

So there are a few things I’m excited for in 2009:

President Obama….  I’m daring to hope that one man really can make a difference.

The Messina Perdue wedding….  A really really exciting and fun wake up call that says “Patti you are all grown up, no do something with your life” 

And a few things I’m not so excited about…

It seems every year we make new friends and every year we lose some.  They move to far away and go from someone you see every day to someone you never talk to.  I know that a lot of people who have grown close to me last year will be going far away this year.  The first being Rob, who has already left for Afganistan.  The next being Miah, who leaves for the Air Force in February.  Not all will be such complete or military-caused partings.  But I know there is a great chance that Leigh, Megan and Jason, Wenxiao, Nova…. so many people who I look forward to seeing every day won’t be around.  

Take it one day at a time right?  That’s how I’ve been living for awhile now.  Probably since this whole surgery thing came about and I realized sometimes planning doesn’t work out.  Or even before that, with Kim and Ethan, and how wonderful that was.  And that’s also how I think I really fell for Josh, the special circumstance of completely living in the moment.  A lot of things to be grateful for.  

And a resolution that I said I wouldn’t make, but am going to.  In 2009 I hope to write more.

Today I feel like Paris Hilton, because Josh and I are obnoxiously spending money that we probably shouldn’t because bankruptcy could be closer than anyone thinks.

So today I bought the most fabulous coffee pot in the world.  It has a grinder and a timer.  So that I can set it before I go to sleep, and be woken up by the sound of coffee grinding, which will stop and then coffee will percolate and nothing could make me want to wake up more.  If anyone is wondering how expensive a magical coffee maker is… the answer is too expensive. 

Josh beat me by buying a fancy garbage can that cost more than my magical coffee maker.  

Why is it that when I need to save money most is usually when I have the biggest problem with it?  I have gotten almost none of my christmas gifts yet and i already feel like i’m hurting for money.  This should be fun.

Thanksgiving seems to be just around the corner.  

Today I feel like Josh, because I’m getting anxious about something that is still over two weeks away. 

So Josh and I are having Thanksgiving here in the city.  I actually will be working on Thanksgiving day from 6am to about 3 or 4 pm.  woo hoo.  And then I will be going to Josh and we will be having a major thanksgiving spread, with a couple other people from work.  So really we will be hosting thanksgiving for Amy, Wenxiao, Nicki, and Phil.  

I’ve become really excited about it, because if you can’t have a holiday with family, what better than to have it with your boyfriend and close friends?  And lots of wine and nintendo wii?  

Sure we’re all going to be super squished into his apartment, and i have no clue how all the food will get done, and I will be working millions of hours before then (okay, so not exactly millions), but in the end, I will miss my family and then end up having an amazing time.  

I think the saddest thing for me is missing the broadcast of the parade, since i will be giving people their pies and sending them home to their families.  And then a month later, i will be working for christmas too.  I love the holidays…

Today I feel like: Diane Keaton, the old prude.  

Okay, so I don’t know that Diane Keaton is necessarily a prude.  I know that most times she plays a prude. Either way, I’ve been examining my own prudery lately.  

Yes, another post primarily about me.  I wish I could write about other highly interesting things that aren’t centered on me, like NaNoWriMo in Christine’s Blog but I find that really hard to do here.  

So, Amy had a birthday yesterday.  Her 25th.  And for her birthday, we brought her a very interesting cake.  Now, let me explain, this was based on an old joke that started when Amy and Leigh got their first apartment together and Amy wanted to decorate everything with pictures of her naked body.  

I will take the credit for suggesting the idea, although I meant it as a joke.  And then, because I work at a bakery, it was easily executed.  Here’s the censored photo for you to get an idea.

This sprung us into a conversation about nudity, and decency, and prudery.  One of my very forward thinking friends admitted that she hates sex scenes in movies.  I wouldn’t have been okay with this cake were there not such a strong connection to something that Amy had always said, and were I not sure she would like it.  

It made me think, I’m sure most of us are not okay with the vulgarity that is constantly surrounding us.  Even those my age who have grown up around it.  I still blush while watching many movies.  Even modern day explicit novels, and I’m not talking about romance novels, I’m talking about beautifully written best sellers like The Time Traveller’s Wife and the one I’m reading right now American Wife.  I was reading a rather detailed scene on the train and an older woman sat next to me, and I was completely embarrassed, even though she could have no idea what was going on in my book.

I suppose what I wonder is, how did society get this way, when so many of us are still bothered by it?  

And another question that came up, why do women think its okay to walk around with a slew of penis toys and treats just because its a bachelorette party?  They are still quite gross.

And for the first time I’m not talking about the Michael Douglas flick.

 today it’s not that i feel like soon to be President Obama, but just that I’m happy he feels the way he must feel right now.

My life is changing right now.  I’ve realized it drastically.  I no longer have the time for reading or the dreams I once followed.  But I’m very happy, overall.

It’s weird to think that most people grow up and lose many of their friends.  Not because of differences but because of priorities.  My mom said something to me about keeping my friends around, because she wishes she had done it before it was too late to really get them back as close as they once were.  I need to say I love it when my mom is completely honest with me about her own life.  It makes me feel childlike and grown up at the same time, because she wants me to learn from her but she’s also sharing with me as adults.

So my friend Leigh is becoming an aunt.  My brother’s girlfriend is moving in with him. And I spend most of my time with Josh, or Josh’s cat.  With the holidays coming this all seems so right, family and such…  but it has me worried about life.  What am I doing with my life?  Or better put, what do i want to do with my life?

I’m not actually as freaked out as it sounds.  But I do wish I could figure some things out. Other than the things that have recently become so clear.  Like that my favorite place in the world is in another person’s arms.

sorry for the sap.  but thats where i stand today.

Congratulations Barack.

My childhood cat died last night, and I found out this morning.  I’ve never really considered myself an animal lover.  I don’t hate animals, and I like playing with them but I’ve never really had the urge to have one of my own.  They are so much work and time and money…  But this cat felt more like a part of the family, almost a sibling, I was so young when we got him.  I don’t usually cry very often and I was bawling when I was told. 

What’s worse is I know my mom’s really sad.  The cat would often follow her around when she was home.  Especially as he got older, all he wanted was attention, which is a little abnormal for a cat, i know.  He became almost annoyingly friendly.  When I was home after surgery, he was either on me or next to me for most of the days I spent on the couch. 

I don’t think I quite understand the death thing yet.  Not that I ever will, but I suppose you must have to come to terms with it at some point, because you know more and more people who die, well, people and animals.  You must at least find a way of dealing with it, accepting it, moving on.  It seems everytime someone dies I feel lost and have to start over again. 

I’ll be going home in a week and a half and I know my house will feel so empty.  I think its the emptiness that hurts most.

Today I feel like: a normal average girl, ready to make peace with the outdoors.

That’s right, I’m gettin ready to go camping this coming weekend.  Like the most extreme camping I’ve ever gone, which isn’t saying much.  I’m really nervous about it.  I’ve never slept in a tent that I had to set up.  I’ve never had to hike to go to the bathroom.  The roasted marshmallows better be worth it. 

Meanwhile, Josh and I finished watching season two of Dexter and last night I was a little anxious and every time I started drifting off to sleep, I would see visions of people being cut into pieces, and I’d wake up again, afraid of having a nightmare involving a serial killer.  I suppose its good that we won’t be able to see the third season until it comes out a year from now.  It seems I can only handle so much Dexter.  The show is pretty awesome though. 

I realized I have an exciting two weeks coming up.  Christine & Seth will be in the city on Friday, and even if I only get to see them for half an hour, it’ll be really great, and they’ll meet Josh.  In fact, I’m starting to consider these two weeks the ultimate immersion weeks for Josh and I. First Christine and Seth, then Saturday I go to Jersey to meet his mom, stepdad, brother, and several close friends.  Then camping with more friends until Tuesday.  Then working wed-fri.  Then Friday, we head to Connecticut to stay with my parents, and to go to a big family party on Saturday and hopefully see Cheryl on Sunday before coming back to New York.  And that will round out almost everyone important in our lives.  Except Kim, and my mom’s huge family, and his dad who’s super far away.  still it’s a lot.  Or at least it feels like a lot.  There are so many things that could be awkward or go wrong.  I really hope they don’t.

Today I feel like a terrible person, because I know how much I have been neglecting my blog. 

Lately I have been, well, a bit busy.  Busy with life i suppose. 

Life is always such a hard thing to think about.  For the past few weeks, I’ve starting feeling like I’m living someone else’s life.  It feels a little like everything is changing.  And its making me rethink what I want.  Especially since one of my closest friends has become so successful in securing her dream job. And its not the normal run of the mill job.  It feels as if the big life of tv and movies and bright lights is only a step away.  but do i want it? 

Josh and I were at home depot on saturday, picking up, of all the romantic things in the world, a new toilet seat, since the cat apparently broke his (he blames the cat at least), and we took an extra 15 minutes to walk through the showrooms, looking at the bathroom and kitchen setups, discussing which ones we liked and what we thought looked good.  He can’t wait to have a house of his own.  and i wonder where i sit on the situation…  I still couldn’t tell you.

I love the city so much.  But how long will it last? 

Right now I’m gonna concentrate on getting back to the gym all the time.  And not overeating at work.  Take it one step at a time right?